Have you ever asked your minor child for permission to share something about them to your social media - like a photo you took of them, an anecdote, the journal entry they wrote last night? Did you explain how many people might see it, who those people are, how it’s being presented on your account? Was there any elaboration from you on why you wanted to share that specific piece of them with your personal network - and possibly beyond?
If you have asked, did they understand? Are they at an age capable of comprehending how social media works?
If you haven’t asked them, why not? Because they’re too little, because you’re their parent who knows best, because who cares…?
In my previous social media existence, I overshared every single day. I had over 3,000 photos on my private Facebook and Instagram accounts, largely kid-centric images documenting the sweet spots, the tough times, and everything in between. It was my online baby book, my photojournalistic attempt to capture the emotion and intricacy of every waking moment. Looking back through my posts, I was transported to those flashes of time, able to fully immerse myself in what I’d been experiencing just then.
But my incessant posting wasn’t simply for my own benefit. I also shared everything because I wanted people to see what a good mom I was. I was bored, I was lonely, I wanted head pats and reassurance that I was doing it right. I wanted outsiders to say that my family was fortunate to have me, that I’d been right to leave my corporate job for the life of a stay-home mom. That I was raising a good person and that maybe others would envy or admire me or ask me for advice. I craved approval and was addicted to the dopamine hits I got every time someone would like or comment on a post, affirmation that I’d made the right choice to digitally prostrate myself to the acquaintances observing my life from the other side of their screen. I convinced myself that I had consented to sharing sensitive, private experiences with my curated audience because I was being authentic and honest and that ever-present social media buzzword: RAW.
Looking back now, having left social media, the most raw thing I did was share my child’s privacy without my child’s consent. Children can’t consent to something they can’t fully understand, or the consequences of which they can’t comprehend. We have laws protecting kids from consenting to mature situations until they’re truly developmentally able to process the intricacies of that situation. They simply can’t fathom the reach of social media, strangers capturing screenshots, or the impetus for their trusted parent sharing that private moment with a larger group.
As a parent, posting anything specific to your child on social media - a photo, an anecdote, artwork they’ve created, etc - is for your own benefit. You’re the one receiving and reading the comments, the likes, the shares. Not your child. But if it’s their experience, why should we be the ones being rewarded or acknowledged for sharing it? Why do we think it belongs to us?
I think the answer lies within the world we’ve created for ourselves on social media. We have access to millions of peoples’ private lives, everything from what they ate for breakfast to the brand of toilet paper they use. We see lots of these people rewarded monetarily for oversharing their most intimate parenting moments and receiving endless streams of compliments from gushing fans, and we want a piece of that sweet, sweet pie. We’ve lost the thread between voyeurism and observation, and we feel entitled not just to a seat at everyone’s family table, but to also have an active voice in the conversation.
And thus - we feel okay giving consent to strangers to join us and our kids for dinner, for bath time, for a trip to the park. If everyone else is doing it, why shouldn’t we? Maybe you think, ‘Well, my account is private, so it’s different, it’s just friends and family,’ and to that I say, My Maid of Honor, a lifelong friend, stole sensitive photos of my child from my private Instagram account and used to them to catfish thousands of people on a fake Instagram account she’d created - so, no, it’s not different.
Children deserve privacy and agency over their lives. They deserve respect and a chance to determine what gets shared with others and what doesn’t. Would they want you passing out a copy of that photo, with that caption, to everyone at their school?
Once I left social media, the amount of time spent documenting life photographically dropped drastically. I still take lots of photos, but I try to ask before taking them, and I let my child review them for approval. We text photos to friends and family, thoughtfully, and only now after getting consent to share with those specific individuals. Understandably, this might not work with babies or very little children, but the idea that not everyone should have unfettered access to your child takes root quickly, and it’s easy to identify a few trustworthy people who will enjoy seeing photos of a young child they know in real life.
One day my kiddo was looking through my Instagram archive and asked if I could start adding captions to photos in my photo roll. Of course I can! We started a shared family photo album, and I curate that just as I would an instagram grid. This way, we can still relive the memories and the moments and I can continue my flowery writing and emotional outpourings just for us. Someday, my child can decide how and what to share and with whom. I don’t get the accolades for the images like I used to, but I no longer crave the praise and adoration.
Thus, I encourage other parents to consider ending their child’s social media presence. This includes putting hearts on faces or stickers over eyes or whatever - it only shows that you recognize that perhaps this isn’t something you should be sharing. Just don’t share it if you feel the need to alter it beforehand. Keep that special moment to yourself. Write a note on the photo in your phone or photo app, and be okay with it not living online. You’ll never regret consenting to keep things private. Someday, your children will thank you.
This is truly an important topic that I don't think a lot of parents are spending enough time thinking about. Likely because they haven't been able to be as honest with themselves as you are about enjoying the accolades.